Eight years later, part 1

 It is hard to believe that it has been eight years since I last wrote in my mental meanderings.  Life just seems to be so crazy, so busy, so full, so frustrating, so filled with so many things.  It is hard to find the time and energy to put my thoughts into words, let alone find time to share them with the world. 

The last two months or so I have been managing a growing depression.  I have struggled with clinical depression for many years, most of my life, first identified as a teenager, and having my worst struggles in my 20's.  Through a lot of intensive therapy, medication management, and work on my part learning to manage the symptoms, I was able to gain control of my depression, and live a mostly "normal" life the last two decades.  Sure, life events would trigger a rise of symptoms, but knowing how to recognize them, i knew when to ask for medication and a revisit to therapy to mange the issue and keep on without being overtaken by depression.

In all honesty, for the past nine years I have been on medication to help manage my sypmtoms.  

THe multitude of life circumstances that layer one on top of the other:

•  Raising kids with special needs as a single parent since 2010 when my first wife and I split up due to her ongoing relapse into alcholoism and all the chaos that brings.;
• dealing with living with little income that often could not meet the basic needs of rent, utilities, and food;

• the inability to get a higher paying position due to the needs of caring for above mentioned children,

 converting a launrdy mat into a house with the help of my father, brother, step-father, and a couple of friends

going through major surgery with my youngest and the long recovery times 

starting a new job working with children with special needs at the same school J

• marrying a second spouse who was also an alcoholic, and who was not really up to the challenge of these amazing but difficult children;  dealing with her depression and multiple suicide attempts, and roller coaster of rehabs and relapses;

seperating from my spouse due to the inability for her to gain stability

moving from the house we spent so much time and energy converting to try to be closer to work and reduce commute times for all of us

Becoming better friend with my first spouse and the ability to have the kids visit her every other weekend was actually a huge blessing in the midst of these last years

my youngest sons massive mood swings and behavioral challenges escalating to the point of needing hospitalization--first just for acute treatment, then a full 4 week inpatient stay to figure out and really try to stabilize him

My first wife's final relapse during our sons massive challenges, which ended with her unexpected death in June 2017. 

my inability to continue working on and off during 2017 and 2018  due to my son's issues

the financial degradation that caused created a lot of different stresses and required me to make a change

my second spouse had finally achieved sobriety and we reconnected in 2018, and stupidly did not get the divorce and instead became friends again

a move to Florida to be closer to family who had moved there over the past few years, like my mother and sister, and brought my second wife with me as she wanted a fresh start.  

I jumped right in to my mothers donut making business, and got up to speed to take it over before her neck surgery in January of 2019.  

getting the kids started in school and figuring out this crazy medical system down here in Florida which I swear is designed to make it nearly impossible to get real health care....

Then Mom was well enough to take back over the donut business and I needed a more stable income

My wife was doing okay, had gone to school online to work on her bachelors degree and helping with the kids, though still struggling as we all do with J's meltdowns.  

G's behavior reverted to earlier problematic behavior with the move and I was blindsided by it, though I should not have been as he has always had adjustment disorder and major changes challenge his ability to maintain control.  but we thought we were managing it okay

I decided with the reassurance of my mother and wife being able to take over transportation and appointments and the needs of the kids, I went back to work at a University for the first time in a decade.

It was amazing, i was finally using my brain again for exploring the scientific world, working on research that could change lives and make the world a better place.  I loved it, and I quickly rose to a salaried position.  It was amazing

 

     

 

tears

Crying tears from my eyes
makes you angry and annoyed
no longer will you see my tears,
from from my eyes they will not fall
I cannot speak of struggles
or of triumphs or of pain
I am not allowed to talk to others
if it means you might feel shame
so with no outlet for my feeling
nothing acceptable to you
tears of blood in midnight wandering
that is all that I can do

comfort asked for is denied
a hug a word a gentle touch
requested is really not so much
but your back stays turned
you want to just ignore it
"turn on the TV if you're crying,
I don't need to hear it"
and tears of blood
in midnight wanderings
fall silently from my skin
so you don't ever have to hear
a cry from me again

"do not tell anyone"
"its not their business"
"no one needs to know"
but it is my life too
not yours alone
and if I can't talk to anyone
and you want to drown out my fears
if my tears annoy you so much
you do not have ears to hear
so tears of blood fall from my skin,
in places you can't see
because you forget that I am here
you do not see me...

2012 to 2013 shift

I have written a blog post/reflection about the 2012 to 2013 change over due to the New Years Holiday.  You can access it here:
http://powerfulconsciousness.weebly.com/reflections-and-news.html

Love, commitment, relationship, sex--not necessarily in that order

So I have been rolling certain words, concepts, and idea around in my head lately due to a variety of different people I have either chatted with, know personally, have encountered, or have heard about over the past few weeks.  As I have also been tentatively using a couple of online matching services over the past few months to try to meet new people, the topic of how we form connections and what those connections mean has taken up one of the tracks in my mind.

Now I know there are a few different types of thinking encounters with any type of dating: 1) some people get this idea of starry eyed optimists "ready to leap into a forever relationship" with the first person that responds favorably to them; 2) about half the people think only of sex first; and 3) a handful of people understand that to form a lasting connection, no matter HOW you meet a person (online, at work, at an event, blind date, through friends, at college, in school, walking down the street, etc...) that relationships do not just spontaneously happen, but have to be built over time and experiences shared.

I do know of many people who try to force romance--they get an inkling of an idea of connection--and BAM they are making plans for Christmas, talking about moving in together, and trying to jump over all of the hard stuff--like forming solid bonds, and getting to know each other, and seeing if you are really able to connect with that person.  I have run into that person recently, and it takes all of my will power not to backpedal as fast as I can away from them.  The reason I don't follow my knee jerk reaction is because underneath that insecurity (as that is usually why people try to grab on so hard and so fast), is that often their is a decent and amazing person there, who is just scared.  Though the one I am thinking of right now, is showing that even though they are an amazing person with much to offer, they also are showing a great deal of emotional instability and the need to work through some of their own problems, which would not be conducive to forming a healthy and strong relationship.  (They are flip-side of the other level of major insecurity with whom it is hard to form healthy, stable connections, in which the person has decided that no matter what, they NEVER want to live with someone else, and will always keep you are arms length for fear of getting hurt again.)  This is not always the case with the "have the U-Haul on speed dial" type of person (or the one who holds you at an overly distant arms length), as for some people with those tendencies, their issues are mainly focused on the fear of initial rejection, and once they realize that you are willing to get to know them for who they are, they relax and allow their typical, usual self to be present, with more healthy levels of individuality and connectivity.  But unless you give a person a chance, you can not tell at first.

One of the shocking things to me about both "real world"and "online" dating (and it probably shouldn't be, but I think i am a bit weird in this regard I guess I just don't think about it as much) is this presentation of sex first, connection later.  Over half of the ads i have read have some form (sometimes blatant, sometimes subtle  of sexual innuendo (not just romance like "i enjoy sunsets" or "cuddling on the couch while watching a movie is great", I am talking some flat out "sex with me is the most amazing thing you will ever experience" type of BS).   Even hanging out at a club or bar, often interested people approach another person with the idea of a sexual escapade at the forefront of their attempt to connect.  For me, it has always struck me as completely backwards--why would I share my body with someone who I don't even know if I want to share a good conversation with?  That is not to say that I have never made a bad sexual decision based on a hormonal surge, or never kissed a sort of random stranger in am park (I know, very out of character for me).  But i have known people who have lamented about not having a significant other, then go out and seek sex rather than connection, and find themselves still wondering why they are single.  Honestly, sex CAN be a wonderful, connection building, amazing part of a relationship--but in order to be this, there has to BE a relationship, a connection already in the works, already established--where minds and hearts are trusting and respectful and understanding of who each of you are, THEN sex can strengthen and enhance that connection, drawing people closer.  To try to force a connection where no time or effort has been taken to make a real connection is ludicrous.  If all someone is looking for a a night of carnal release, then say that, and find someone else who is only looking for base sexual release and fun--if that is your goal, no harm, no foul,go have fun.  but if you are telling me you want a relationship, a significant other, a person to share your life with--why on earth would you think that jumping in the sack is going to be the best path to that?  Trust me, you are probably not as good as you think you are under the covers, and if that is all someone is basing their decision on, you will probably come up short.  Once you a know a person, have a real, emotional, spiritual, intellectual connection with them, then you will now how to read them, how to love them, and how to enjoy each other in a way that makes even the simplest touch a mind blowing intimate connection.

As for finding those people who are truly seeking a stable, healthy long term relationship with another person, I know they are out there.  The funny thing is, everyone seems to think that THEY are the stable one seeking a healthy relationship even when they fall solidly into any category but this one.  Who knows, maybe I do not fall solidly into this category.  God knows no-one is perfect, and I do not try to hide most of my imperfections, and I appreciate people who do not try to hide too many of theirs (we all have those couple of things that are held in reserve until we can trust people, but not everything needs to be a skeleton in the closet).   I have a tendency to attract either Velcro cling-ons or ice queens--both of these groups have some amazing and wonderful people in them, and I probably oscillate between the two groups myself at various points in my connectivity.  But for the most part, I think all of us at some level want that strong healthy relationship, and finding the right person is important.  The first person to express an interest is not necessarily going to be a good fit.  they might become a good friend, but they may not be the right one for a significant relationship with you or me.  The velcro cling-on that does not match up well for me, might be more relaxed and secure with you, or the one who turned into a ice queen with me, might find you to bring them more warmth and comfort, and thus be a better fit.

My life is complex.  Most people's lives are complex in a wide variety of ways.  There is always some sort of challenge in life, and some level of "drama", but not everyone is a drama-queen just because they have challenges, and not every challenge is necessary, as there are those that create or extend them.  I know for me, what I want or what I seek in a potential partner is not what everyone else is looking for:

-I want someone who has had challenges, because I need to know that they can understand hardship AND that they know how to make it through challenges.
-I seek someone who knows their weaknesses and knows how to compensate for them without needing to have a significant other do it for them.
-I want someone who is complete in and of themselves, and is seeking companionship and someone to share their journey with them, not seeking someone to complete them.
-I want someone who cherishes their own alone time and is secure enough to give me my alone time without irrational jealousy or cries for attention.
-I want someone who is patient and kind, who knows themselves, and is ever seeking to grow and learn about everything they encounter, including themselves.
-I want someone who can handle the fact that I am a single mom to two kids with special needs, both of whom have a behavioral, emotional component to those special needs.
-I want someone who can handle the fact that my ex is a part of my life and is a friend, and that I will help her in her recovery when I can, and will step back when I need to, but that I still care even though I have no desire to ever rekindle a relationship with my ex.
-I want someone who can handle me in my most challenging moments without using it against me later, and someone who is comfortable being their most challenging self knowing that part of being together is being completely ourselves, the good and the bad, and still cherishing the other person through those rare, hard times.
-I want someone who knows how to take a time out, and step away from a discussion or argument when things are going no where, and will come back when emotions have calmed for both of us in order to listen to each other and find a way to either compromise or to agree to disagree on particular subjects.

But isn't all of that what everybody wants?

Sadness....

So I am teetering on the edge of a nasty cliff of depression, which may seem like an odd place to be, or to recognize, but I have dealt with severe depression in the past, and I recognize the warning signs.  I have been fighting this path since around January, when it started to show up in pockets, but I had coped well with it, and had staved off any major bouts.  But the time the stress of the house renovations taking so much longer and costing so much more, the lease running out on the apartment in March, the kids having to live with A and A's extreme relapse into heavy, heavy drinking while the boys were living there (even though I was there during most of their waking moments)--well in March with all of that, i battled my way through a short bout of depression.  I was on the upswing again, especially from Mid-may when we finally moved into the house until late June.

It was late June when the school meeting for the boys revealed everything falling apart--all of the reasons that I had for staying in here, in this little town with no opportunities for me, no opportunities for the boys aside from what I thought was school situations that were good for them, no jobs, no potential mates, very few friends, very few people i can relate to, almost no other parents who have kids with special needs and can understand how different it is from raising "typical" children.  Nothing except some of my extended family, and now this monster of a house that I just renovated and sunk ALL of my savings and any backup funds into.  Thousands of dollars that I could have used to move to a more populated area and to use as start up funds while I worked on getting myself established in a job and a new apartment, and have time to deal with the mess that getting the boys into the appropriate school programs entails in a new school district.  But alas, g's school program was working beautifully for him, a perfect match--they had learned who he was and how to read him, and as a result he had a great, forwardly productive year, academcia and scoail growth were seen.  And I had counted on him being able to be in that program for another 3 years, which woudl have given him a solid base to grow and learn from, and prepare him for the eventual transition to a differnet program come middle school.  And i thought that Josiah's program, while not workign perfectly, we improvoing and that with the new imformation from the neuropsychological report and recommendations, that he woudl be able to handle staying with hsi current settinfg of main stream with both modifications an accomadations to help give him the suppor that he needs.

But alas, the state budget cuts resulted in G's classroom being cut completely, and so now he is goign to a brand new program that has never been attempted before in the school it is in, with new people, new place, new everything--which just sucks, as people seem to think the is CURED of his neurological issues just because he had a good year with the right supports.  Change the supports and he will show you that he was not "cured" of the incurable, he just had the right supports in place to meet his needs which is why it worked for him.  And Josiah--well, it is a nightmare that I still can not really bring myself to write about.  I think after a few horrible experiences this summer, he will be starting an appropriate school program in the fall, but it is going to take a while to really know, as he will have to learn to trust them and they will have to learn to read him and understand him.

I will have to drive him--an hour away, to this good program, as his behavioral intervention plan (BIP) calls for me to be able to pick him up within 10-15 minutes of their call if he has a melt down that they can not help him get under control.  So i will have to be nearby until we rework the BIP, but they have to have him there and get a better feel for him once he is settled in, to be able to do  a Functional Behavior Analysis and create a new BIP.

Finances are a mess, even with doing both freelance writing and more babysitting than I should be, I can not make ends meet.  I am falling behind in everything, and my car is not functional again, which means money that needs to go to basic living like rent, utilities, heat (it is almost heating season here), and food, now has to be rerouted to fix the car, which I have already sunk so much money into it is ridiculous.  And I have to break a promise to my children, which I vowed I would never do.  I had promises them we would go to the Magic Forest this year (a small amusement park for little kids) and if possible I would take them to teh great Escape (a large amusement park).  They have been asking the last couple of years, and I had really thought that this year we would be able to go, but finances fell through the floor when I had not planned on the extreme additional expense of this house.

But it is more than that--a disconnect from people, a disconnect from God, a disconnect from purpose that is dragging my spirit into sadness--a sense of having made a wrong turn and not seeing a way to make a u turn or to find a detour back to the right road.  I would love to get back to work, to have a set of things to do and get paid a set amount to do them at set times. I was look at entry level jobs in my field, and they start at over $32K a year.  But getting one, when I have two kids who need me to have a flexible schedule is very hard, especially as the reason I left the last career oriented job three years ago (when I was making over $37K a year) was directly related to an inability to balance my family issues with my work issues.

I just feel like no matter how hard I work, no matter how much I do to bring my children up and help them reach their fullest potential, that no matter how hard I try to eek out an income from freelance articles, babysitting, cleaning houses, and other little odd jobs--that I will never get ahead, that I will not find the fulfillment that I seek, that my life will not have a focus or a purpose.  I feel lost in a sea of sadness, and even trying to make new friends has just been a painful and confusing experience--and i have never in my life had trouble making new friends and building good, strong connections with amazing and interesting people.
I feel like all areas of my life are failing--financially, spirituality, emotionally, physically, as a friend, as a parent, as a human being....  I am trying to find the bootstraps that I can grab to pull my self up out of this mire out of this situation, out of this spiraling sadness---but I think my boots fell off in June and have sunk into the quicksand that I did not realize I was standing in...  I never give up, i will find a way through, i am just  having trouble this weekend moving past the cloud and getting out of the mire.

A new blog

Okay, so you may be wondering why I am starting a third blog as I am trying to bring order and focus to my main "Life In Transformation" blog (aka--80 pounds in 80 days).

Well, technically it is not a new blog, as I used to have a blog, with only a couple of posts that I did back before life tanked and took a downward spiral, called "Alabaster Camel's Meanderings", and I have tried like mad over the past few weeks to figure out what my username and password were for that blog, but I am now giving up.  To read those few old posts, you can find them here on "Alabaster Camel's Meanderings".

This new blog will be true to the old blog, in that it really will be more for my Mental Meanderings and Stream of Consciousness writings about whatever topics or ideas or problems cross my path and make we want to write about them.  I am moving this type of writing off of the Transformations blog, because even though it is part of the process for transformation, it is more eclectic and ethereal, and much less concrete and focused.  As I need and want both, the best way to do it is to create a different blog to enjoy this writing/thinking style for those who like it, and to keep the Transformations blog more concrete for those who prefer that.

Oh, I say third blog because I am also taking my children/parenting/adoption/special needs related posts to my other older, revitalized blog "Blessings Beyond Measure", in an effort to refocus central topics:
Personal Transformation;
Family Related;
Stream of Consciousness