It is hard to believe that it has been eight years since I last wrote in my mental meanderings. Life just seems to be so crazy, so busy, so full, so frustrating, so filled with so many things. It is hard to find the time and energy to put my thoughts into words, let alone find time to share them with the world.
The last two months or so I have been managing a growing depression. I have struggled with clinical depression for many years, most of my life, first identified as a teenager, and having my worst struggles in my 20's. Through a lot of intensive therapy, medication management, and work on my part learning to manage the symptoms, I was able to gain control of my depression, and live a mostly "normal" life the last two decades. Sure, life events would trigger a rise of symptoms, but knowing how to recognize them, i knew when to ask for medication and a revisit to therapy to mange the issue and keep on without being overtaken by depression.
In all honesty, for the past nine years I have been on medication to help manage my sypmtoms.
THe multitude of life circumstances that layer one on top of the other:
- Raising kids with special needs as a single parent since 2010 when my first wife and I split up due to her ongoing relapse into alcholoism and all the chaos that brings.;
- dealing with living with little income that often could not meet the basic needs of rent, utilities, and food;
- the inability to get a higher paying position due to the needs of caring for above mentioned children,
converting a launrdy mat into a house with the help of my father, brother, step-father, and a couple of friends
going through major surgery with my youngest and the long recovery times
starting a new job working with children with special needs at the same school J
- marrying a second spouse who was also an alcoholic, and who was not really up to the challenge of these amazing but difficult children; dealing with her depression and multiple suicide attempts, and roller coaster of rehabs and relapses;
seperating from my spouse due to the inability for her to gain stability
moving from the house we spent so much time and energy converting to try to be closer to work and reduce commute times for all of us
Becoming better friend with my first spouse and the ability to have the kids visit her every other weekend was actually a huge blessing in the midst of these last years
my youngest sons massive mood swings and behavioral challenges escalating to the point of needing hospitalization--first just for acute treatment, then a full 4 week inpatient stay to figure out and really try to stabilize him
My first wife's final relapse during our sons massive challenges, which ended with her unexpected death in June 2017.
my inability to continue working on and off during 2017 and 2018 due to my son's issues
the financial degradation that caused created a lot of different stresses and required me to make a change
my second spouse had finally achieved sobriety and we reconnected in 2018, and stupidly did not get the divorce and instead became friends again
a move to Florida to be closer to family who had moved there over the past few years, like my mother and sister, and brought my second wife with me as she wanted a fresh start.
I jumped right in to my mothers donut making business, and got up to speed to take it over before her neck surgery in January of 2019.
getting the kids started in school and figuring out this crazy medical system down here in Florida which I swear is designed to make it nearly impossible to get real health care....
Then Mom was well enough to take back over the donut business and I needed a more stable income
My wife was doing okay, had gone to school online to work on her bachelors degree and helping with the kids, though still struggling as we all do with J's meltdowns.
G's behavior reverted to earlier problematic behavior with the move and I was blindsided by it, though I should not have been as he has always had adjustment disorder and major changes challenge his ability to maintain control. but we thought we were managing it okay
I decided with the reassurance of my mother and wife being able to take over transportation and appointments and the needs of the kids, I went back to work at a University for the first time in a decade.
It was amazing, i was finally using my brain again for exploring the scientific world, working on research that could change lives and make the world a better place. I loved it, and I quickly rose to a salaried position. It was amazing
