So I have been rolling certain words, concepts, and idea around in my head lately due to a variety of different people I have either chatted with, know personally, have encountered, or have heard about over the past few weeks. As I have also been tentatively using a couple of online matching services over the past few months to try to meet new people, the topic of how we form connections and what those connections mean has taken up one of the tracks in my mind.
Now I know there are a few different types of thinking encounters with any type of dating: 1) some people get this idea of starry eyed optimists "ready to leap into a forever relationship" with the first person that responds favorably to them; 2) about half the people think only of sex first; and 3) a handful of people understand that to form a lasting connection, no matter HOW you meet a person (online, at work, at an event, blind date, through friends, at college, in school, walking down the street, etc...) that relationships do not just spontaneously happen, but have to be built over time and experiences shared.
I do know of many people who try to force romance--they get an inkling of an idea of connection--and BAM they are making plans for Christmas, talking about moving in together, and trying to jump over all of the hard stuff--like forming solid bonds, and getting to know each other, and seeing if you are really able to connect with that person. I have run into that person recently, and it takes all of my will power not to backpedal as fast as I can away from them. The reason I don't follow my knee jerk reaction is because underneath that insecurity (as that is usually why people try to grab on so hard and so fast), is that often their is a decent and amazing person there, who is just scared. Though the one I am thinking of right now, is showing that even though they are an amazing person with much to offer, they also are showing a great deal of emotional instability and the need to work through some of their own problems, which would not be conducive to forming a healthy and strong relationship. (They are flip-side of the other level of major insecurity with whom it is hard to form healthy, stable connections, in which the person has decided that no matter what, they NEVER want to live with someone else, and will always keep you are arms length for fear of getting hurt again.) This is not always the case with the "have the U-Haul on speed dial" type of person (or the one who holds you at an overly distant arms length), as for some people with those tendencies, their issues are mainly focused on the fear of initial rejection, and once they realize that you are willing to get to know them for who they are, they relax and allow their typical, usual self to be present, with more healthy levels of individuality and connectivity. But unless you give a person a chance, you can not tell at first.
One of the shocking things to me about both "real world"and "online" dating (and it probably shouldn't be, but I think i am a bit weird in this regard I guess I just don't think about it as much) is this presentation of sex first, connection later. Over half of the ads i have read have some form (sometimes blatant, sometimes subtle of sexual innuendo (not just romance like "i enjoy sunsets" or "cuddling on the couch while watching a movie is great", I am talking some flat out "sex with me is the most amazing thing you will ever experience" type of BS). Even hanging out at a club or bar, often interested people approach another person with the idea of a sexual escapade at the forefront of their attempt to connect. For me, it has always struck me as completely backwards--why would I share my body with someone who I don't even know if I want to share a good conversation with? That is not to say that I have never made a bad sexual decision based on a hormonal surge, or never kissed a sort of random stranger in am park (I know, very out of character for me). But i have known people who have lamented about not having a significant other, then go out and seek sex rather than connection, and find themselves still wondering why they are single. Honestly, sex CAN be a wonderful, connection building, amazing part of a relationship--but in order to be this, there has to BE a relationship, a connection already in the works, already established--where minds and hearts are trusting and respectful and understanding of who each of you are, THEN sex can strengthen and enhance that connection, drawing people closer. To try to force a connection where no time or effort has been taken to make a real connection is ludicrous. If all someone is looking for a a night of carnal release, then say that, and find someone else who is only looking for base sexual release and fun--if that is your goal, no harm, no foul,go have fun. but if you are telling me you want a relationship, a significant other, a person to share your life with--why on earth would you think that jumping in the sack is going to be the best path to that? Trust me, you are probably not as good as you think you are under the covers, and if that is all someone is basing their decision on, you will probably come up short. Once you a know a person, have a real, emotional, spiritual, intellectual connection with them, then you will now how to read them, how to love them, and how to enjoy each other in a way that makes even the simplest touch a mind blowing intimate connection.
As for finding those people who are truly seeking a stable, healthy long term relationship with another person, I know they are out there. The funny thing is, everyone seems to think that THEY are the stable one seeking a healthy relationship even when they fall solidly into any category but this one. Who knows, maybe I do not fall solidly into this category. God knows no-one is perfect, and I do not try to hide most of my imperfections, and I appreciate people who do not try to hide too many of theirs (we all have those couple of things that are held in reserve until we can trust people, but not everything needs to be a skeleton in the closet). I have a tendency to attract either Velcro cling-ons or ice queens--both of these groups have some amazing and wonderful people in them, and I probably oscillate between the two groups myself at various points in my connectivity. But for the most part, I think all of us at some level want that strong healthy relationship, and finding the right person is important. The first person to express an interest is not necessarily going to be a good fit. they might become a good friend, but they may not be the right one for a significant relationship with you or me. The velcro cling-on that does not match up well for me, might be more relaxed and secure with you, or the one who turned into a ice queen with me, might find you to bring them more warmth and comfort, and thus be a better fit.
My life is complex. Most people's lives are complex in a wide variety of ways. There is always some sort of challenge in life, and some level of "drama", but not everyone is a drama-queen just because they have challenges, and not every challenge is necessary, as there are those that create or extend them. I know for me, what I want or what I seek in a potential partner is not what everyone else is looking for:
-I want someone who has had challenges, because I need to know that they can understand hardship AND that they know how to make it through challenges.
-I seek someone who knows their weaknesses and knows how to compensate for them without needing to have a significant other do it for them.
-I want someone who is complete in and of themselves, and is seeking companionship and someone to share their journey with them, not seeking someone to complete them.
-I want someone who cherishes their own alone time and is secure enough to give me my alone time without irrational jealousy or cries for attention.
-I want someone who is patient and kind, who knows themselves, and is ever seeking to grow and learn about everything they encounter, including themselves.
-I want someone who can handle the fact that I am a single mom to two kids with special needs, both of whom have a behavioral, emotional component to those special needs.
-I want someone who can handle the fact that my ex is a part of my life and is a friend, and that I will help her in her recovery when I can, and will step back when I need to, but that I still care even though I have no desire to ever rekindle a relationship with my ex.
-I want someone who can handle me in my most challenging moments without using it against me later, and someone who is comfortable being their most challenging self knowing that part of being together is being completely ourselves, the good and the bad, and still cherishing the other person through those rare, hard times.
-I want someone who knows how to take a time out, and step away from a discussion or argument when things are going no where, and will come back when emotions have calmed for both of us in order to listen to each other and find a way to either compromise or to agree to disagree on particular subjects.
But isn't all of that what everybody wants?
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